The Wrong Road – Fiona’s News Report

BBC (Bonkers Bramley Community) Breaking News

SATURDAY SCARECROW SCANDAL 

Our local journalist Debby Duck reporting

Today things have come to a head (or legs) with the revelation that Aunt Sally and Fred had a daughter 5 years ago!

The secret may have been kept by Aunt Sally all this time, but investigations recently carried out by Fiona, her daughter, who is extremely bright, has found shocking news about her parentage.

In a recent interview Fiona revealed her two month search for her real father. It all started when she began to wonder why she lived in her mother’s skirts in the daytime. When she was little, it was quite fun, living in a tent eating cake, drinking tea and listening to her mum and Wurzel argue daily. She knew Wurzel wasn’t the brightest scarecrow in the field but he was harmless and kind, although recent counselling has revealed she suffered from seeing old Wurzel taking off his head and attaching another one, which is why she felt safer under her mother’s skirt. Fiona knew she didn’t really look like either of Wurzel’s heads and that is when she began to question her parentage.

Spurred on by watching an episode of “Who Do You Think You Are?” she hired Frank, a local private eye, to help her find out the truth. Frank borrowed a bike from Silchester Road and visited every scarecrow in the village, probing Aunt Sally and her former love life. It seemed she had read “Fifty Shades of Straw” that she found in the The Vyne’s second hand book shop and had gone in search of something more interesting than old Wurzel

“Yes Sally and I went out a few times but she wouldn’t stop talking so I told her to hop it,” Bud told Frank.

“Oh yes I remember the Clift Meadow festival in 2015. Sally definitely had had too much tea to drink and was slurring her words,” added Bill the gardener.

“I found her rather intimidating to be honest. She was looking for a husband but she had scared off all the potential suitors in the village,” the golfer added.

But Isabel, the gentle flower lady and village confidant, decided it was time to reveal to truth for Fiona’s sake.

“After the Festival in 2015, Sally had walked to Bramley Green to see Bud, but when she got there she saw he had fallen asleep on the doorstep and she couldn’t wake him up. So she made her way back to the main road. It was a full moon and I saw her quite plainly when I was feeding the mice on the grass. As she made her way across the road, sitting in the bus shelter was Fred. He always had an eye for the ladies – even Sally. He had just dropped off Florence Nightingale at her drive. It was along walk and so he had sat in the shelter to rest his aching wellies. Sally with a squeal of excitement hobbled across the road and snuggled up to the leering Fred. I thought to myself, no good will come of this and went back to water my flowers.

The following morning I was on my way to find a new hat from Just Mia Boutique when who did I see stumbling towards Bramley but Aunt Sally! Her hat was falling off her head and her rosy cheeks even more rosy. No guessing what she had been up to! Poor old Wurzel. He probably didn’t even notice she hadn’t been back that night!”

In the meantime, while he was undertaking his investigations, Frank had met Freda. It was love at first sight for him but Freda only had eyes for Fred. As Frank continued to probe further, he challenged Fred about his one night sit with Sally, but Fred denied he had ever spent the night in the bus shelter.

It was Frank’s job to report back his findings to Fiona and she was both horrified and excited to find out what had happened but just to make sure she arranged a DNA straw test. If her straw was the same as that from Fred and from Folly Farm, then she had found her father! Frank just wanted to warn Freda against Fred but she was blinded by love and every time he mentioned Fred she turned on him, knocking the straw right out of him.

Today ( and ironically the day that would have been the 2020 Clift Meadow Festival if it hadn’t been cancelled because of COVID) Fiona picked up her DNA test result from Clift Surgery and the truth was there in straw and grass. Without telling Sally, Fiona headed straight down to Folly Farm to have it out with Fred. But as she approached Folly Lane she saw the carnage that was the fateful bus top! She saw Frank there, leaning rather too close to a pair of sexy leggings and told him her news. Frank told her that her dad was trapped beneath the rubble and couldn’t get out! This was the final straw! Not the reunion Fiona had hoped for! (Frank secretly hoped that Freda would overhear the truth and realise what a piece of straw Fred really was!)

And so there you have it, folks. Fiona is waiting for the council to remove the bus stop so she can meet her real dad for the first time and she has started crowd funding for a wheel chair. The truth is out about Fred and Sally. Aunt Sally has declined to comment and all Wurzel wants is a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Fred is still trapped underneath the bus shelter roof with Freda unaware of his daughter and hopefully Fiona can move on with her life. She plans to learn to ride a quad bike and wants to try a G and T. but the burning question is still “What happened to Fred’s legs??”

Anon